I set out from the beginning with the firm and unwavering conviction that I would put my foot down to inviting anyone to this shindig we’re calling a wedding whom might be considered fluff. So, I’m sorry to say, M’s elderly great aunt whom he has never met did not make the cut. I’m sure I’ll feel the wrath of his mother any second now over that decision, but it was one we were both comfortable making. I think the number of introductions taking place over our wedding weekend should be minimal at best. Now much of his family is spread across several states so some introductions shall be inevitable, but if neither of us know someone, they aren’t coming. Period. The end. Call me whatever bride-bashing term you’d like, I’m not moving on that one.
The room where we are holding our Saturday evening reception seats a maximum of 175. I have a huge family. Not a single cousin of mine has thrown a wedding with fewer than 300 invitees. My maximum capacity of 175 is a true blessing in disguise. While right now it is giving me a bit of a headache, ultimately it is forcing us to make very wise choices with regards to who shall receive one of our gorgeous Bella Figura invitations in the mail. I have always found the concept of an A list and a B list absolutely absurd, until last night when I started a second sheet on my guest list spreadsheet entitled B List. *gasp!* Unfortunately, M and I being from different towns nearly 5 hours away from one another means we had no common circles before we found ourselves immersed in our happy little love bubble. For us, it makes for a lot of friends we would love to invite, but who are ultimately getting axed until which time enough out of town relatives decline that we can slip their invitation in the mail. I know how people feel about such practices and I largely concur myself. However, when your family makes up the vast majority of your current invite list of 185, you have to be flexible in your considerations. If Uncle Bo and Aunt Suzy (completely fictional characters, by the way) are unable to come because the economy is sucking the lifeblood out of their savings, don’t think I won’t be inviting a couple of friends who, while perhaps not the bosom buddies they once were, are still near and dear to my heart.
Perhaps the difference between why I am opting to utilize the dreaded A list and B list tactic and how I’ve always perceived it as being used is only a matter of just that, perception. I guess I always assumed people did such things to make sure they had a full house, a big romping wedding complete with lots of guests and lots of, well, gifts. Because I know for us it’s a matter of budget and capacity and ultimately hoping we can include more of our loved ones in the celebration, it makes me feel better about holding off on some invitations until I know we can safely extend them. While I would love to host all of the 230 people who made the first dry run guest list, we’d have nowhere for them to sit, a pretty angry fire marshall and no money to treat them to dinner. I’m thinking it’s not going to work.
Our current list of invitees is at 185, with approximately 15 on the B list and probably a good 12 to 20 more who will be added to that list in the near future once M pulls the names together. As a teacher and a coach, he spent the last six years prior to this school year and the big relocation teaching and coaching at his alma mater where he worked alongside the coaches who taught him and coached him throughout his childhood and teenage years. After much consideration, we both strongly agree that we would like to invite many of those coaches and any applicable spouses if we are able to do so. They left an incredible imprint on M and who he is today and it is precisely those people I believe should be alongside us as we celebrate our marriage.
In the meantime, I’m kind of crossing my fingers in hopes I don’t rekindle too many friendships now that I’ve moved home or for that matter make too many close new friends in the next seven months or so until invitations are mailed out. There will be plenty of time for that once I’m hitched, but for now I have a guest list to keep a lid on.
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I feel for you. I couldn’t even read your entire post (sorry!) because it brought up too many memories of an emotionally charged discussion (not quite a fight, but almost) that happened earlier this week.
So I feel for you. You’re right – the size cap is a blessing in disguise! I had no idea how hard the guest list was until we starting to set ours. BOO to hard decision!
P.S. I promise to re-read your entire post another day … but it really did bring up too much emotion again.
I totally feel you. I’ve gotten negative and positive feed back to the “no house, no spouse…no ring, no bring” policy in order to cut out the… “fluff” as you call it. but its hard. so i totally understand. It’s hard not to step on any toes…but when it comes down to it, you need certain people as must have’s and your budget may only allow for that… And i truly believe the key is to be consistent. I think anybody planning a wedding can relate to realizing that not everybody can be invited, even if you want them to!
Hard decisions have to be made… I totally support you 150%!
I totally understand why you had that perception of B-lists *and* why you changed your mind. As long as you ask people to let you know if they can’t make it as early as possible, it should all work out just fine.
Reading your writing is an absolute pleasure by the way.
Not that I suspected I was alone, I know guest list issues are a common theme among we brides to be, but it’s good to be reminded we all have the same struggles. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s a blessing to have so many people we care about and whom would love to share our day with us were it possible and in the meantime keep focusing on what we need to do to pull this off in the most practical and us way possible.